


Questionable Legality

by LadyBrooke



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Humor, M/M, Modern Era, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 05:08:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/833097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBrooke/pseuds/LadyBrooke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Valar, for whatever reason, have decided to send Finrod back to Middle-earth. Except it's now the 21st century, and he arrives to find that Orodreth has established himself in the drug trade, Thranduil has something called a strip club, and his cousin is doing things with his brother-in-law. Finrod is not sure how to deal with all of this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Questionable Legality

"Brother!" Finrod said happily, before he nervously glanced over his shoulder at the armed guards who were still glaring at him. "Um, is this strictly necessary? Not that I don't appreciate you sending somebody to get me, but the knives were a bit beyond my expectations."

Orodreth looked up from his papers, and nodded. “It is necessary, yes, I’m afraid. You see, I run a business, and people try to cause trouble for me every so often. Don’t worry, if the guards had thought you were any real danger, they would had the guns out instead of the knives.”

“What’s a gun?” Finrod said, curiosity overcoming his nervousness at what his brother was involved in.

Orodreth started to grumble, “Dear Eru.”

“Orodreth! Don’t take his name in vain,” Finrod exclaimed.

Orodreth continued to talk over him, “Did the Valar tell you nothing before dropping you off here? A gun is a weapon. If someone tries to shoot you with one, you will probably die if the bullet hits you.”

Finrod looked more curious, “What’s a bullet?”

“Dear Manwë, please let my brother be like a cat and have nine lives. Please. I don’t want to have to explain to my parents that he died because of his curiosity,” Orodreth looked at the ceiling as he said this.

Finrod looked annoyed, “I’m not going to die! Really, what’s a bullet?”

“A small object that will blow your head to pieces if you ignore the wrong person!” Orodreth snapped, before calming. “Just…please, listen to me. I know more about how things work. I run a business of somewhat questionable legality, so I know how people really are. Just listen to me, and don’t annoy the wrong people.”

"Questionable legality?" Finrod paled. "Exactly what are you doing?"  
“I provide substances to people that have no way of getting those substances for themselves,” Orodreth said, looking quite pleased with himself. "My business also has the lowest death rate, both internal and external, for the type of things I deal with."

Finrod did not appear to have been reassured by this, so Orodreth continued, “Basically, I provide drugs that people use for recreational purposes.”

Finrod was still pale, “I am really not comfortable with this. Are you safe? How much trouble can you get in for this?”

Orodreth cut him off, “Really, Finrod, you sound like Atar. I’m perfectly safe, far safer than I was in the First Age. I could get in a spot of trouble, but since the government has no idea of who I really am, and I own my own island, it’s really not that big of a deal.”

Finrod still looked nervous, “I’m not sure I want to be involved in something like this.”

Orodreth laughed, “Believe me, I had no intentions of making you have anything to do with all of this. I know it’s hardly what you would want to do in life.”

Finrod smiled, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome! Of course, we still have to find you a job, or you’ll get ever so bored here on this island. How do you feel about taking off your clothes? You might make a good shirtless model, and that wouldn't require much education." Orodreth pondered this out loud, causing Finrod to resemble a startled, twitchy doe about to run.

“I don’t think I would feel comfortable taking my clothes off,” Finrod said. “Amarië probably wouldn’t approve either.”

“Oh, are you still with her? Is a wedding in the plans at some point?” Orodreth said, reaching behind him and pulling out two glasses and a bottle of wine. “Sit down, have a drink, and tell me all about it.”

Finrod accepted the drink Orodreth handed him and took a sip. “We’re still in love yes,” he blushed. “I hope that whenever I can leave these lands to go back home, you will come with me, and I can have all my siblings at my wedding.”

“Perhaps,” Orodreth smiled over his glass. “We still must find you a job, though I suppose that can wait. Tell me, brother, would you like to go out with me tonight? Thranduil - you remember him, Oropher’s child, Celeborn’s family member - owns a club. I go there at least once a week.”

Finrod looked curious again. Orodreth pondered how his brother managed to look like a small child when he did that. “A club?”

“You’ll see! Come along, it will be fun,” Orodreth smiled.

After all the talk of questionable legalities, Finrod was glad Orodreth apparently had some fun things to do. “Of course I’ll come.”

~

Later, when they had actually arrived at the club, Finrod regretted agreeing so easily. There were women everywhere, and what were they wearing?

Orodreth laughed at him. “You’ll have to get used to these kinds of things.” Orodreth stopped for a breath when a tall blonde came close and bent in to give him a kiss. “Anyways, I realize this is more Celegorm’s type of place than yours, but you’re here and he isn’t! So enjoy it.”

Finrod trailed behind his brother, who stopped to pick up a bottle of wine for them. They then made their way to a table, where Finrod recognized Celeborn.

"Oh, lovely, Orodreth," Celeborn said, waving the girl away from where she was leaning down to give him a view. "Did you have to bring him? I really hoped that I would not reach Valinor only to be castrated by my wife."

“Yes, I had to bring him. Do you think that it would have been better to leave him home alone?” Orodreth said, giving his brother an apologetic look when Finrod began to look like a kicked puppy.

Celeborn rolled his eyes, “Possibly better than a strip club!”

"It is not a strip club, it is a high class gentlemen's club!" Thranduil exclaimed from a few feet away, causing Orodreth to glance over from where he was watching two girls make out, without clothes, on a stage.

"Ah, yes. A high class club that happens to make the workers run around without anything but underwear. And whips, on Thursdays,” Celeborn said sarcastically.

“That’s what my paper work says, Uncle,” Thranduil said, arriving at the table and taking a seat. “Also, can someone go fetch Maglor? The girls are all hanging around him, feeling sorry for the poor tortured soul or something. You’d think they’d like me better.”

Orodreth rolled his eyes, and glanced back, “Really? You pay their wages. They like him because he looks like an artist and stuff. Haven’t you seen Moulin Rouge?”

“This has nothing to do with that movie,” Thranduil argued.

“Enough, I’ll go over with Maglor,” Celeborn said. “Orodreth, Finrod looks a little nervous. You might want to stick a sign on him warning the girls to stay away.”

Before Orodreth could speak up again, Thranduil burst out in laughter. “I’ll go get you some paper and a pen for that!”

Orodreth made a gesture at Thranduil as he left, causing Finrod to blush bright red. “Just ignore the idiots, Finrod.”

Finrod nodded, before he saw something new. "Why...why...why does our brother-in-law have our cousin in his lap?" Finrod eventually managed to ask, staring at the table Celeborn and Maglor were at.

Orodreth shrugged, "To keep the girls out of it?"

Finrod glanced over again. Now Celeborn had both Maglor and a girl in his lap. Looking at Orodreth, Finrod wasn't able to say a word. Orodreth glanced over again and shrugged, "Look, brother, it's a new age. You'll just have to adapt." Finrod didn't say a word, only dropped his head to the table and started to quietly sob with stress as a girl draped herself around Orodreth.

Then he noticed that the girl had pointy ears. With wide eyes, he stared at his brother and the girl.

“Oh, I suppose you never met my wife,” Orodreth said. “Finrod, Elwen, Elwen, Finrod.”

“Your brother looks somewhat scared of me, dear,” Elwen teased. “Is Finrod the brave scared of seeing women wear anything other than long dresses?”

Orodreth couldn’t help but laugh, “Be nice! If I leave him alone with you for a moment or two, while I go collect the others, will you please not terrify him too much?”

“You mean I shouldn’t tell him about your private piercing?” she questioned, pretending to be innocent. Finrod began to whimper when he heard this.

Orodreth groaned, “Yes, please keep information about our sex life private.”

“Very well,” Elwen smirked. “I will stay here and have entirely PG rated conversations with your brother.”

Orodreth kissed his wife before standing up to go get Celeborn and Maglor. Elwen waited until he was just out of hearing distance before turning to Finrod. Without the smile ever leaving her face, she spoke, “Let’s get one thing straight - you and the rest of your family caused my husband far too much grief in the First Age with your antics. You do anything to cause him pain again, and I will ensure that you wake up on the other side of the world from us in so much pain that you will wish for those werewolves again. Clear?”

For a second, Finrod thought he saw a flash of something in her mouth, but ignored it in favor of nodding.

“Good,” she leaned forward and stole Finrod’s glass of wine. “Just make sure you don’t go missing or anything. And I’m going to drink this, you look like you’re going to pass out if you drink anything.”

Orodreth returned, with Maglor and Celeborn in tow, a few minutes later. Celeborn sat down first, and pulled Maglor into his lap again.

“You do know I’m capable of sitting in a seat on my own, don’t you?” Maglor said, leaning back.

“Of course you can, I just prefer you here,” Celeborn replied.

Finrod stared. Elwen took pity on him, “"They went to Woodstock, and came back like this. I’m not sure what happened. But seriously, ever since, you’d think this was like First Class or something.”

“He doesn’t know what Woodstock or First Class is - especially the First Class you’re referring to, honey,” Thranduil leaned over the table.

“Don’t call me honey, or I’ll hit you again,” Elwen snapped back. “And he needs to learn. Woodstock was this huge music festival. You can guess why Maglor would want to go, Finrod. X-men First Class is a movie. We should all get together and watch it this weekend,” she paused to take a drink. “He can learn what a bullet is at the same time.”

“Sounds good to me,” Thranduil said.

“I suppose this is happening at our house?” Orodreth said. “It’s fine with me though.”

Finrod was still staring around. Orodreth looked at him and then reached an arm out and slung it around his shoulder, “Hey, we’ll leave soon. Just have to wait for Thranduil to close up for the night.”

~

“What do you mean you lost my brother?” Orodreth snapped into a phone. “I gave you idiots one simple thing to do, and you failed at it!”

“We found him though - he’s just down the hill.”

“Good! I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Orodreth snapped his phone close, before running to the garage and getting his car out.

A swift drive later, he had found Finrod. Who was, unsurprisingly, in a ditch. He knew this was going to happen - his brother hadn’t reacted well to modern culture, and had insisted on going out and camping in the woods for a few days. Given how Finrod trusted everyone, Orodreth was more surprised that he was apparently in a ditch because he tripped down a hill, and not because he got mugged.

Finrod was now somewhat awake, thanks to a bodyguard pouring a bottle of water on him, and was once more staring. Orodreth thought this was now becoming a very bad habit of Finrod’s.

Orodreth sighed, "Amil and Atar would be quite upset if I let you die, I suppose. Of course, you're also trying to uphold their morals, which is fine...understandable...in a cute little idiot sort of way." He leaned down and pulled his brother out of the ditch. At the first upwards motion, Finrod passed out again. "Wonderful. Well, let's see if this attempt at making you see sense goes any better."

Later, Orodreth had just managed to get his brother settled into his bedroom again when he got another phone call.

“Hey, boss?”

“Yes?” Orodreth hated it when his employees sounded nervous.

“You know how you had us watching the docks in case any more people like you showed up?”  
"Yes, why?” Orodreth had the worst feeling about this.

“Well, another one of them just showed up. Says his name is Turgon. He seems quite shocked at how things work. Should we bring him to you?”  
“Yes, yes. Bring him here, gently, ” Orodreth said, before snapping the phone closed. Leaning back in his chair, he groaned. “Manwë, why do you keep sending my relatives back here? Turgon is going to adjust harder than Finrod is!"

**Author's Note:**

> Orodreth's line about Finrod trying to uphold their parent's morals and that being fine...understandable... is a nod to Josef from Moonlight (about the only vampire show I will ever watch). If you go to [this youtube video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR2TBL-si38) and watch from about 6:00 until 8:16, you can see him (he's the skinnier one). Warning, it is an episode about a private investigator investigating a series of murders. But his actor would be my choice to play Orodreth.


End file.
